Emotionally safe people build trust in relationships. Safe people are committed to their own personal growth, dealing with their unhealed wounds, meeting their unmet needs, and partnering with Jesus to become more like Him with each passing day.

Safe people build trust. Unsafe people break trust. 

At one point or another, we’ve all been an unsafe person, or we’ve developed some emotionally unsafe habits that need to be broken. Keep in mind that the only control we have is over ourselves. We must allow God to work in our lives and trust Him to work in the lives of others. Striving to be the best version of ourselves is life-long work. 

No one can fix what they don’t know is broken. Are you an emotionally safe person? 

Emotionally Safe People…

Offer empathy and validate emotions.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It’s the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see a situation from their perspective. Empathy doesn’t require that we agree with how someone thinks or feels. It just means that we can understand their feelings because we have experienced the same or similar feelings at one time or another. 

Validating emotions is the act of seeking to understand how another person feels without dismissing, judging, or trying to talk someone out of their emotional response. Neither require that both people agree with how someone thinks or feels, but healthy people can acknowledge someone’s perspective and feelings without feeling threatened by them. 

Jesus empathizes with us – Hebrews 4:15 says Jesus understands every weakness of ours, because he was tempted in every way that we are. But he did not sin!

Safe People do not judge, pressure, or manipulate.

Emotionally safe people don’t judge others because they know they are just as flawed as the next person. Judging another person comes from a place of feeling inferior, insecure, and not good enough. We tend to judge people in the areas of our lives that we feel the most insecure about. 

Pressuring or pushing people is the act of trying to get another person to do what you want. Those that pressure others tend to not accept when someone says “no” or sets a boundary. People that use pressure to get someone to do what they want are unsafe and often create anxiety, resentment, and disconnection. 

Manipulation is another tactic used by emotionally unsafe people to get what they want. Often this is done through instilling fear, outbursts of anger, invoking pity, playing on someone’s weaknesses, using appropriate or inappropriate guilt to coerce, or using things shared as a weapon when it’s convenient. 

See that no one leads you astray. – Matthew 24:4

Ask questions to further understanding.

Safe people ask questions rather than make assumptions because they know that assumptions are falsehoods— wrong ideas. Assumptions are the lowest level of communication and are often the devil’s playground because they tend to cause hurt and conflict. Asking questions and seeking clarity ensures that we are communicating at the highest level. Safe people make decisions based on the facts they have in the moment and are not afraid to ask questions.  

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. – Ephesians 4:25

Safe people speak the truth in love.

Mature people tell the truth with love. This isn’t the same as sugar-coating something or beating around the bush. It’s the ability to express feelings, needs, hurts, or frustrations in a way that doesn’t crush another person. 

Safe people are honest with themselves and others and consider their words carefully. They confront issues with a mindset of resolving or repairing. It’s not about being “nice” – nice often spares the truth (dishonest). It’s about being kind – kindness is considerate and polite, but honest. Healthy individuals are assertive and kind in their communication.

…speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ. – Ephesians 4:15

Have difficult conversations without name-calling, insulting, or dismissing.

Conflict is part of every relationship. Safe people do not attack another person’s character, name-call, throw insults, or dismiss someone’s concerns or feelings. 1 Corinthians 13:11 says When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. Calling someone names or insulting them is childlike immaturity. 

Unsafe people view hard conversations as adversarial, but safe people understand that hard conversations lead to deeper connections and welcome the chance to grow.

Safe People take responsibility for their own emotions/problems.

Emotionally safe people know their healing is their responsibility and don’t expect others to tip-toe around their unhealed wounds or the things that trigger them. Part of our personal and spiritual growth is accepting that life isn’t fair, and the wounds inflicted on us are ours to work through. 

Safe people don’t put their emotions or problems in the hands of others. Additionally, they don’t expect a spouse, child, parent, or friend to heal a wound they did or didn’t create. Emotionally safe individuals take personal responsibility for their emotions and their problems. They know that someone cannot make them feel any certain way without their permission and that their problems are their own to solve. They don’t blame a difficult childhood on their present-day anger issues. 

For each one will bear his own load. – Galatians 6:5

Do not try to “fix” people or give help that isn’t asked for.

Part of being an emotionally healthy adult is knowing that fixing people is above our paygrade. People in partnership with God work on themselves – this is part of personal responsibility. Unsafe people push others away by trying to force their “fix” on people without recognizing their own shortcomings. 

Safe people don’t push advice or help on those that don’t ask for it, and they expect the same of others. Asking for help and seeking wise counsel are the actions of emotionally intelligent and healthy individuals. Safe people know that listening with empathy and providing emotional validation is the proper response to a friend. And then, if invited, give advice, or provide help. 

And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. — Matthew 7:3-5 

Are not overly needy or clingy.

Needy or clingy people latch on to others without regard for personal space, autonomy, or boundaries. Those who struggle with separating themselves from others and being their own person are unsafe. No one can be someone’s everything – and healthy people don’t want that job. 

Safe people know that personal autonomy (self-sufficiency) and boundaries are what makes relationships work. In addition, there is a mutual respect for what each person brings to the relationship, and no one is expected to be the other persons sole source of friendship or human connection. Safe people know that personal space and alone time is necessary for everyone. 

Do you like honey? Don’t eat too much of it, or it will make you sick! Don’t visit your neighbor too often, or you will outwear your welcome! – Proverbs 25:16-17

Respect boundaries.

Boundaries are the decided upon actions that we take when faced with other people’s behavior. When someone speaks harshly to us and calls us names, boundaries are what we fall back on to walk away and preserve our emotional health. Unsafe people tend to disrespect boundaries by acting in ways that are unacceptable or harmful even though we’ve addressed the behavior and consequences ahead of time. 

Safe people set boundaries and when necessary, enact consequences. And because they have boundaries, they expect others to have boundaries. Regardless of whether a boundary is liked or disliked, safe people respect the boundaries of others and in turn, expect the same respect from others regarding their own boundaries. 

God set boundaries in the Garden of Eden when He told Adam to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Violating God’s boundary was spiritual death. 

God commanded the Man, “You can eat from any tree in the garden, except from the Tree-of-Knowledge-of-Good-and-Evil. Don’t eat from it. The moment you eat from that tree, you’re dead. – Genesis 2:17-18

Demonstrate God’s love.

Forgiving others, giving grace, displaying empathy, listening instead of fixing, and speaking words of encouragement are just a few ways that safe people demonstrate God’s love. Safe people know they are saved by grace, and they need a Savior. There is no need to wear a mask to be loveable because God loves them right now, as-is. And because He does, they strive to reflect that love to others. 

Safe people know when they’ve got some personal work to do. 

Don’t waste time condemning yourself. Get busy doing better. We are all a work-in-progress until the day God calls us home. If after reading this post, you’ve identified some unsafe people in your life, consider what boundaries you need to set and pray about conversations that need to happen. 

1:1 Coaching is available if you need help and encouragement.

In my last blog post Unraveling Normal: Exposing the Dysfunctional Family, I identified the behaviors that dysfunctional families tend to view as normal. Today, I want to continue shining a light on the traits of the dysfunctional family by looking at the common themes surrounding communication amongst family members in dysfunctional families.

Communication will make or break any relationship – friendship, marriage, parent/child, sibling, coworker, etc. When people communicate well, relationships tend to thrive and grow. These relationships are often described as fulfilling and life-giving. On the other hand, when people communicate poorly, relationships shrivel and are described as exhausting, empty, and draining. 

Emotional Immaturity + Poor Communication Skills = Abuse

The chaos makers in dysfunctional families tend to lack emotional maturity and have poor communication skills. Emotional immaturity is an inability to handle one’s emotions using self-control leading to outbursts, fits of anger, or some other inappropriate response to a situation. Losing control of emotions and lacking good communication skills is a combination that often leads to verbal and emotional abuse. 

The book of Proverbs talks a lot about the importance of communication and the consequences of poor communication:

Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose. – Proverbs 18:21 MSG

Answering before listening is both stupid and rude. – Proverbs 18:13 MSG  

Fools care nothing for thoughtful discourse; all they do is run off at the mouth. – Proverbs 18:2 MSG

Rash language cuts and maims, but there is healing in the words of the wise. – Proverbs 12:18 MSG  

The more talk, the less truth; the wise measure their words. – Proverbs 10:19 MSG

Prayerful answers come from God-loyal people; the wicked are sewers of abuse. – Proverbs 15:28 MSG

A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire. – Proverbs 15:1 MSG

A reoccurring theme of some dysfunctional family members is the feeling that physical abuse would have been preferential to the verbal and emotional abuse they repeatedly experienced. Bruises eventually heal. Careless and intentionally hurtful words left wounds that no one could see and were replayed in their minds long after they were spoken.  

Dysfunctional families tend to communicate in these ways:

Giving the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is the refusal to speak to someone. This type of communication is used to express anger at another person to punish, emotionally manipulate, or control them. Emotionally immature people use this tactic because it’s very effective in hurting another person. It’s emotional abuse and when used often it tends to keep a person “in line”. 

When used on children, they fall in line quickly to avoid being abandoned or rejected. Used on adults, this tactic can have the same effect, but it can go a step further and create a sense of crazy-making leaving the victim wondering what they’ve done wrong and if they are somehow a “bad” person. Most people who experience this form of “communication” quickly figure out what not to do to avoid receiving this treatment. 

Trying to resolve an issue or figure out what is going on is impossible because the silent person acts like the other person doesn’t even exist. This can last days, weeks, months, or even years. 

Blaming the victim.

The chaos makers in dysfunctional families may act poorly by making hurtful comments, breaking promises, or getting violent. If they are called out for their bad behavior, they will turn the situation around by twisting the facts and blaming the victim. If the victim wouldn’t have done “x”, they wouldn’t have yelled at them and called them fat and lazy. 

Sexual assault victims are sometimes blamed for what happened to them because of what they are wearing or where they were at when the assault occurred. Within the context of family, victim blaming can happen when one parent blames a child for another parent’s poor behavior or abuse. If the child would just behave like the abusive parent wants, then the abusive parent wouldn’t lose control.

Soothing the abuser.

To diffuse a possible outburst, family members will try to soothe the abuser. This might be done through distraction or over-the-top appeasement to dial down the anger and avoid an incident. Family members will go out of their way to diffuse and then redirect a possible threatening situation. 

Humor when things should be serious.

Making light of serious situations comes from a place of fear. Fear of feeling difficult emotions, vulnerability, or facing consequences are the usual culprits. Emotionally immature individuals minimize people’s emotions and situations to escape personal responsibility or discomfort. Feeling mocked and misunderstood in a moment of serious emotion cuts off connection, breaks trust, and breeches safety. Communicating in this way is emotionally abusive and cruel. 

Ignoring or not talking about issues.

Denying there are issues is an unwillingness to communicate. This happens when one person confronts another person about an issue and that person refuses to talk about it or denies it even exists. They might say “I don’t know what you are talking about” or “that’s not a big deal” or “you’re making this bigger than it is.” 

Long-term issues that have existed for years are often swept under the rug because previous conversations have gone nowhere. And when that happens, family members accept the way things are – toxic or not – and act like the issue doesn’t exist. Essentially, they give up. Untreated mental health issues, problems with alcohol or drugs, or anger issues are examples of problems that get ignored.  

Interrupting.

Interrupting when others are talking and not allowing them to finish their thoughts ensures that nothing ever gets solved. This makes people feel unheard and sometimes bullied. And when everyone is interrupting each other, you can be sure that no one is listening to understand. Frequent interruptions disrupt a person’s train of thought and can get them off balance. Being heard and understood within the context of family seems like it should be easy, but sometimes those closest to us are committed to misunderstanding us to preserve their ego or escape personal responsibility.

Often, the more interruptions the louder the voices get because everyone is frustrated and talking over each other. Waiting for people to finish what they are saying requires self-control and this is usually lacking in dysfunctional families. 

Downplaying or making excuses for poor behavior.

When poor behavior is discussed within the family, it’s common for enablers, people-pleasers, and codependents to make excuses for the offender. This might sound like “Your dad is tired. That’s why he yelled at you.” Using a bad childhood, stressful job, untreated mental health issues, or poor physical health are common excuses. 

Downplaying a person’s experience happens when they are told that an incident “wasn’t that bad” or “it could have been worse” or “that happens in every family” or “when I was your age, I had it worse.” When this happens, people feel dismissed and marginalized. Taken too far, and downplaying can turn into gaslighting. Downplaying can be an attempt to alter reality and confuse people’s emotions. 

Manipulating with guilt.

Using guilt to manipulate another person comes in the form of little comments that are made to get someone to do what you want them to do. Usually it sounds something like “if you loved me, you’d….” or “I’ll be heartbroken if you don’t come for dinner” or “I guess I don’t mean that much to you.” Those that use guilt to control others or get what they want, communicate this way when they feel like they aren’t going to get what they want, or they feel like they are losing an argument. This form of communication leads to a feeling of obligation and resentment and will continue until boundaries are set. 

Sarcastic remarks.

Sarcasm is the cutting remarks made that are hidden behind humor. They are thinly veiled meanness directed at someone to hurt them. When called out, the receiver of those remarks is chastised for “not being able to take a joke”. These types of remarks are a cowardly way of expressing a person’s thoughts or emotions. For the receiver, the sarcastic remarks cut like a knife and come in the form of “humor.” This type of communication is indirect, childish, immature, and can be cruel. 

Blunt remarks (telling it like it is).

Blunt remarks are words said without any tact or kindness. People who are blunt don’t care about someone else’s feelings or have any sense of politeness. Put another way – they have no filter. Those who are blunt might say something like “that color looks terrible on you” or “your last painting was awful.” Blunt people see themselves as being honest but fail to realize that their sharp tongue is deeply wounding at times. Honesty is always good, but people who are blunt are often considered rude and purposely hurtful. 

Making assumptions.

Making assumptions on what another person is thinking and then communicating those assumptions to that person is toxic. Instead of asking clarifying questions, dysfunctional family communication dictates that assumption is fact. But assuming what another person is feeling, thinking, or needing leads to misunderstanding and what feels like a character attack because assumptions usually lean toward the negative rather than the positive. 

Those that make assumptions do so with little or no evidence. The assumption is based on perspective, bias, mood in the moment, what we choose to focus on, and what we think we know. Assumptions almost always create problems because they are often wrong. Assuming motive or someone’s reason is taken as truth until it blows up and destroys a relationship. Assumptions are based on another person’s version of reality and the narrative they are telling themselves. 

Mocking or making fun.

Like sarcasm, mocking someone with an over-the-top impersonation of how you see them is poor communication and abusive. This happens when one person is trying to communicate how they feel about an issue or confront a hurtful behavior and the other person starts mocking or making fun of them. The person being mocked often feels belittled, unheard, and cut down. 

The mocker is attempting to shut down the conversation he doesn’t want to have by hurting the other person or driving them away. This form of communication is often cruel and is emotional/verbal/mental abuse. 

Shame.

Shame is that nagging feeling and negative self-talk that tells a person they are not good enough. Name-calling creates a sense of shame and dysfunctional families use this weapon to cut down a person. Hearing things like “you are lazy” or “you are selfish” or “you are no good” plants the seed of shame in the mind and heart. Once that seed is planted, it tends to grow like a weed and morph into negative self-talk that sounds like “I am lazy/selfish/no good.” Left unchecked, shame will slowly destroy a person from the inside out. 

It’s not always words that create a sense of “not being good enough” within a person. Body language and facial expressions can convey the same message and have the same impact. When a parent gives a child a look of disgust or disappointment, the non-verbal message is that they are “bad”, and the seed of shame is planted.

Lastly, when a parent regularly asks a child with a tone of disgust, “what’s wrong with you?”, you can be sure that the seed of shame is growing. Shame’s purpose is to convince us that something is wrong with us and everyone else has it all together – it’s just us that is a screw up. 

Words unsaid.

Dysfunctional families speak volumes on what they don’t say, as well. It’s common for encouragement to be missing in the day-to-day conversations. Praise for a job well done or good behavior doesn’t get said either. Expressions of love are often missing with people rarely hearing the words “I love you”. And when mistakes are made, grace isn’t poured out. 

What now?

If you are communicating to your family using any of these toxic patterns, it’s time to change the pattern and acknowledge your wrongdoing. And if you are being spoken to using any of these dysfunctional communication skills, it’s time to set boundaries. None of these are healthy. All of them dishonor God and do not reflect Jesus.

If your family communicated this way, you don’t have to carry on the family dysfunction. Patterns of poor communication done on a consistent basis wound people. And there is no excuse for abuse. 

Please set boundaries and limit contact if you feel that’s necessary. Prioritize your mental and emotional health and start the process of healing from these toxic patterns. Decide now that you will not continue to normalize this type of behavior. 

A therapist or coach can also help you sort out the dysfunction of your family and the impact it’s having on you today. I wrote Unravel for this reason and I offer 1:1 coaching to help people break free from the dysfunction and live happier and healthier lives. 

No family is perfect. A critical component to our emotional health, personal growth, and spiritual maturity is identifying the unhealthy habits of our families of origin. To grow past dysfunctional family patterns, we must take an honest assessment of our childhood years and even our present-day family dynamics. This assessment is the difference between being stuck in dysfunctional patterns and breaking free to develop healthy patterns. 

When we don’t identify the toxic behaviors our family calls normal, we are doomed to repeat those same behaviors at the expense of those we love. Furthermore, the anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and anger we live with daily continues to feed on the ongoing dysfunction. 

Change starts with honesty and growth is the key to freedom. 

Dysfunctional Family Traits

Were any of these behaviors considered normal in your family? 

Forgiving and/or forgetting without changed behavior.

Forgiving and forgetting without changed behavior is what toxic behavioral patterns are made from. These patterns and the destruction that they cause will continue until someone says no more. As Christians we are commanded to forgive those who hurt us. God requires this of us not to make our lives hard, but to make our lives better. 

Forgiveness sets us free. It doesn’t let the other person off the hook. Galatians 6:7 says, Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds!

And while it would be great if we could just forget the painful things that have happened to us, memory serves a purpose. We remember so that we learn the lessons that will help us to grow spiritually and personally. Memory is what keeps us from falling into the same pits repeatedly.

What is typical of dysfunctional families is the expectation of forgiving and forgetting without any acknowledgement or commitment to changing hurtful patterns of behavior. Without this acknowledgement and a plan of action to change, the apology is meaningless, and trust continues to erode. Put bluntly, an apology without changed behavior is nothing more than manipulation. Consistent, changed behavior is what rebuilds trust and connection. Without it, the relationship is toxic and destructive. 

Moving on like nothing happened.

When a painful or traumatic event has happened, dysfunctional families tend to act like nothing happened. The night before may have consisted of screaming, name calling, or physical abuse, but the unspoken expectation is that everyone gets up the next morning and acts like nothing happened. Kids get ready for school. Mom and dad get ready for work. Breakfast is eaten. And everyone ignores the elephant in the room from the night before. Over the course of hours, days, or weeks, the dysfunctional “normal” is restored until the next incident. 

Moving on like nothing happened is emotional neglect and crazy-making at its finest. It leaves the wounded parties wondering what just happened and questioning what they experienced and themselves. And because no one talks about it, it gets stuffed where it creates mental, emotional, and physical havoc. Anxiety, depression, people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, perfectionism, codependency, repressed anger, etc. all have roots in this type of dysfunction.   

Refusing to talk about what happened.

Many dysfunctional families avoid talking about painful events to circumvent accountability or admit the need for help. Pride and selfishness are at the heart of this refusal. Stonewalling those who are trying to have a conversation about what happened and how it hurt/affected them ensures the dysfunction will continue. Importantly, those that stonewall, are attempting to avoid potential conflict and acknowledge their part in the conflict. 

Handling conflict by stonewalling is emotional immaturity and it keeps people trapped in abusive or dysfunctional cycles. More importantly, nothing good is gained by refusing to talk about what happened and when this is modeled to children, it becomes their “normal.” As they move into adulthood, this habit hurts them and those around them as they handle conflict like their family did when they were young. 

Invalidating emotions and experiences of others.

Invalidating someone’s emotions or their experience is when one person attempts to dismiss or minimize another person’s emotions. Telling someone “it wasn’t that bad” or “quit your crying” or “I don’t know what you are so upset about” or “that wasn’t a big deal” – these are examples of telling someone that their emotions are somehow wrong. It’s gaslighting. 

Dysfunctional families use this tactic to avoid accountability and squash a conversation that they don’t want to have. After a while, self-doubt sets in causing the hurt person to question everything they think and feel because they are often told they are wrong. These people become numb emotionally, anxious over-thinkers, or validation seekers because they’ve been groomed to not trust themselves. 

Covering up problems for one another.

Within every dysfunctional family, is an enabler – someone who makes excuses for another person’s poor behavior and will typically over-function in that person’s life to keep the peace or hold the family together. The enabler has good intentions and often thinks they are helping the addict, abuser, or person causing the chaos, but what they are really doing is ensuring the dysfunction continues to the detriment of the family. 

Enablers are often people-pleasers and conflict avoiders who struggle with understanding personal and other responsibility. As a result, they spend copious amounts of energy trying to help others in the hope that the chaos and dysfunction will stop. The problem with covering up problems is that all this does is “kick the same old can down the curb” over and over again in life. Destructive patterns keep going and nothing changes when the enabling continues. 

Denying that problems exist.

Most destructive families struggle with admitting there are problems. If you’ve watched the movie Fight Clubwith Brad Pitt, you know the first rule of Fight Club is don’t talk about Fight Club. This is the same mantra for dysfunctional families. The person or persons who are creating the chaos deny the chaos exists and expect you to act like the chaos doesn’t exist. Not bringing it up is the unspoken expectation. 

For those around them, this is often maddening because a problem undefined is a problem unsolved. Acting like a problem isn’t there is denying the reality of those living in that problem every day. This breeds resentment and is a habit that gets passed down from generation to generation until someone says enough and speaks the uncomfortable truth. 

Keeping secrets that should be shared.

Dysfunctional families often have a treasure trove of secrets. Secrets like denying problems exist, enabling bad behavior, refusing to talk about incidents, and moving on like nothing happened.What happens at home, stays at home is the unspoken rule. The person or persons creating the chaos in families often act one way in public and another way in private. The people around them are expected to keep this secret from extended family, friends, or coworkers. 

Abuse, addiction, untreated mental health problems, infidelity, etc. are secrets to not be shared. The image of the family is to be maintained. The chaos creators are often very concerned with how people outside the family see them. The saying – you are only as sick as your secrets holds true. Consequently, keeping secrets bottled up is at the heart of addiction, anxiety, depression, and other disorders – not to mention what keeps generational dysfunction moving from one generation to the next. 

Faking fine.

Faking fine is a faulty coping mechanism used by those who tend to stuff their emotions and feelings and have had their thoughts or feelings dismissed or marginalized. At the heart of faking fine is fear. Fear of feeling feelings, being judged, being seen as “less than”, as well as, fear of conflict, “rocking the boat”, or emotional discomfort. 

Dysfunctional families tend to “fake fine” to avoid anger or conflict. People-pleasers and codependents often fake fine for these reasons as a means of trying to shield themselves (and their children if applicable) from emotional pain or further wounding. 

Repressing emotions.

Because dysfunctional families don’t talk about the elephant in the room, family members are often left with no other choice but to stuff their emotions. The problem with emotions is that they don’t just go away on their own. They pile up in the corner like rotting trash stinking up the entire room waiting to be taken out. In this case, the room is our mind and heart. Stuffed emotions eventually come out through physical sickness, mental health problems, and/or through anger taken out on undeserving people. Sarcasm and passive-aggressive behaviors are examples of stuffed emotions gone rogue. 

Being around unsafe people.

While not an exhaustive list, unsafe people are those who:

• won’t take responsibility for their actions/words
• chronically break promises
• use shared thoughts and feelings against others
• expect others to tip-toe around their issues
• are emotionally unstable
• use fear or guilt to control or manipulate
• are untrustworthy or unreliable
• demand trust/respect from others without earning it
• chronically violate boundaries
• don’t want to work on their issues

Dysfunctional families consist of unsafe people and when unsafe people are the “norm” – those who have grown up in a dysfunctional family or been marinated in one for years will subconsciously seek out unsafe people to do life with because that is their normal. Worse yet, is when people never figure out that they are unsafe, and they wound others. Healing the parts of ourselves that are drawn to unsafe people changes our lives and brings safe people into our world. 

Aggression to get what you want.

An element of control is at the heart of dysfunctional families. Aggression in the form of anger, shame, or guilt is used to get what is wanted. And “what is wanted” varies.

Some examples are:

• total obedience
• not being questioned
• ignoring harmful patterns of behavior
• avoiding physical/mental health issues
• frequent reassurance of love or allegiance
• unrealistic amounts of time
• frequent validation 

Using guilt or shame to get what a person wants often comes in the form of statements like “after all I’ve done for you”, “if you loved me, you’d…”, “good sons/daughters call their mothers”, etc. Statements that create a sense of obligation are used to control the actions of another person. And when family members comply when these statements are used, the dysfunction continues, resentment builds, and love erodes. Boundaries are what stops this destructive pattern, alleviates resentment, and allows love to begin growing again (if possible). 

What now to break free from the dysfunctional family traits?

Finding your way out of these destructive patterns may be difficult and you may encounter resistance from your family. Not everyone wants to grow, and some people are content in their dysfunction convinced it’s working for them. Once you’ve identified patterns that are hurting you and that you don’t want to continue, you need to start making different choices and setting boundaries. 

Those might look like this:

• Confronting conflict rather than ignoring or avoiding it 
• Talking with a trusted friend, life coach, or therapist instead of stuffing emotions
• Making the difficult decision on how much access unhealthy people get to you
• Limiting topics of discussion to preserve your emotional health 
• Walking away from manipulation
• Confronting bad behavior rather than enabling it
• Breaking the habit of taking responsibility for other people’s emotions
• Learning to be okay with people being unhappy with your decisions
• Not engaging in drama or conflict that isn’t your business
• Using your voice and standing up for yourself
• Not managing other people’s emotions through people-pleasing
• Recognizing that the only control you have is over yourself

If you are ready to confront the pain of your past and the dysfunction of your family, Unravel can help. 

This was a big year for my little book, and I couldn’t be more in awe of what God did in the lives of those who went through Unravel. 

As most people do at the end of every year, I’ve been reflecting on everything that God has done in and around me and counting my blessings, giving painful thanks for the hard stuff that helped me grow, and looking for God’s fingerprints on all 365 days of 2022. 

Forty-five women completed Unravel via a group this year! Hundreds bought the book and started their own Unravel journey. Friends, co-workers, and family members found out about Unravel from someone who experienced a profound life change from their unraveling. 

Lives were forever changed this year. 
Hearts were healed the year. 
Friendships were formed this year.
Burdens were left at the foot of the cross this year. 
Generational trauma was broken this year. 
Confidence was gained this year.
Boundaries were set this year.
Lies were trampled this year.
Truth was implanted this year. 
Relationships were restored this year.
Love, joy, and peace were found this year. 
Faulty ways of coping were replaced this year. 
New life-tools were learned this year. 
Laughter displaced tears this year. 
Suffering transformed into painful thanks this year. 
Purpose was pursued this year. 
Forgiveness was given and received this year.
God moved in the lives of His Chosen this year. 

One woman wrote this: 

I stumbled upon this book during a low time in my life about 5 months ago. During my time participating in the study and completing assigned homework I have noticed a huge shift in myself. 5 months ago, I was broken, insecure, and lost in my life and had no clue where my relationship with Christ stood. Presently, I am self-aware and have a positive outlook on my present and future. I owe my growth to this book and Melissa for taking the time to pour into me weekly during study group. I will forever be thankful and spread the word to purchase this book and participate in study group! ❤️

Unravel Participant

As I look back over 2022, I am so grateful for the women I’ve gotten to work with this year and for the beautiful friendships that God has blessed me with through those groups. Besides Texas, ladies from California, Florida, New York, and New Jersey participated in the first online Unravel group – who doesn’t like meeting people from other parts of the U.S.? 

This year has also brought additional blessings…

• Support and encouragement from Life Point Church and Alamo Community Church in San Antonio, Texas to launch Unravel groups. 
• Videography services to market Unravel from the talented, kind, and generous Mark Benavidez of Launchpad B Video Production Solutions.
• Space for my Tuesday Unravel group was graciously given to me by George Ramirez from Immersion Outfitters.  
• Over 4,000 followers on Facebook and IG – and growing! 

As I look ahead to 2023…

• I look forward to the launch of in-person and online Unravel groups in January.
• The reach of Unravel will be expanding into new places and corners of this world in the coming year. I look forward to sharing all about that in the coming months! God is moving!! 
• For those in the San Antonio, Texas area, there will be bi-monthly Saturday Unravel sessions at Alamo Community Church to learn, grow, and connect with fellow Unravel Alumni. 

If you are ready to Unravel your unhealed wounds and find joy, in-person and online Unravel groups start the week of January 16th. Invite a friend, a co-worker, or a family member to join a group!  Click the link to sign up –> Unravel Group Sign Up

The groups are free. All I ask is that you do the work and come to group regularly. 

If you or someone you know wants to begin working one-on-one with me,  I have openings for in-person and online 1:1 coaching.

It may not be your fault that you are stuck in life, but it is 100% your responsibility to get un-stuck.

Don’t let another day, week, or year go by surviving or simply existing. You were made for so much more and yes, you can change.

You can change your mindset, your life, and your circumstances for the better. The 45 women who went through Unravel in 2022 can testify that you can heal, thrive, and find your joy again.

Lastly, as I dream for 2023… 

I pray for men’s and women’s Unravel groups to pop up in churches, prisons, living rooms, and coffee shops all over the world and that lives would be profoundly changed for generations to come. Dream big, right? 

Here’s the thing about Unravel groups…

• You don’t need to be a coach or a counselor to lead an Unravel group… 
• Your life doesn’t need to be perfect… 
• You don’t have to have it all together all the time or have the answers to life’s problems… 
• You just need to be able to love, encourage, and listen to others… that’s it…

If you want to start a group or you’d like for your church or organization to start an Unravel group, contact me at melissa@melissalloyd.org or go to Start an Unravel Program.

Giving Thanks…

As I close, I want to say “thank you” to Kevin Flowers, Lead Pastor of Alamo Community Church and his incredible staff. Thank you for taking a chance on an unknown book and allowing me to serve the people of your church. If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that no one has to do anything – so your willingness to open your door, respond to my messages, provide resources, and trust me with your flock is a gift. Your friendship and support are a blessing, and I am forever grateful. 

I will end this message with a quote I love from Craig Groeschel: We confess to God for forgiveness, we confess to people for healing. So true, right? Confessing to God and others is at the heart of healing. We need both. James 5:16 says Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

Join an Unravel group or buy Unravel and commit to working through the book with a couple of trusted friends to confess what’s on your heart and talk about what’s holding you back and stealing your joy.

I pray that 2023 is a year of personal growth, freedom from what weighs you down, and a deeper relationship with the Father who loves you so very much. 

It’s easy to take the actions of others personally, but doing so is based on half truths, unhealed wounds, unmet expectations, and what another person believes about themselves based on their own story. The way we treat others, love others, show up for others, and think about others is based on what is going on within ourselves. The same is true for others.

Is this selfish? Yes. But it is true. The people in our story that treated us poorly, did so because of a war within themselves – you and I were just collateral damage. This doesn’t get them off the hook, but it does reflect the truth that their poor behavior does not make us unworthy of the love or help they should have given to us.

So What Do We Do?

It’s time to give people back the pain they caused and reclaim the truth of our worthiness of love, kindness, and human connection. It is important to stop asking or expecting these same people to show up in our stories in ways that run contrary to their past actions. This doesn’t make them bad people – it’s simply understanding and accepting where someone is in their journey at any given moment.

Knowing who to ask for help, love, and healthy connection is learning how to interact in a fallen world. We need to live by this principle: When people show you who they are, believe them the first time – Maya Angelou. Often we allow ourselves to be disappointed by a situation or a person repeatedly until we finally accept what has been shown to us over and over again. Unfortunately, our refusal to see what is right in front of us leaves us with an emotional mess to clean up. Proverbs 13:20 says, Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

Recognizing our part in our own suffering is the pathway to healing.

The Bible tells us A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends (Proverbs 16:28). The next time you are in need of someone to share your heart with, someone to give you God-honoring advice, or someone to meet a need in your life – carefully consider who you ask and their track record in your life.

Here are 10 questions to consider before you share your heart with someone:

• Has this person been a good listener in the past or do they listen to fix?
• Has this person kept your conversations confidential?
• Has this person been reliable and dependable in your life?
• Has this person pointed you towards Jesus and/or the Bible?
• Has this person encouraged you or have they minimized your feelings?
• Has this person displayed empathy in the past?
• Has this person modeled in their own life the advice they give to others?
• Has this person been honest with you?
• Has this person built you up or tore you down for the way you think or feel?
• Has this person broken your trust in the past?

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin…(Proverbs 18:24). Surrounding ourselves and asking the right people for what we need is one of the keys to living in peace and finding joy in our lives. God will place people in our lives to act as helpers and, in turn, we are placed in people’s lives to be their helpers.

God’s Truth

It’s easy to allow our hearts to be saturated with the harsh words or hurtful actions of others causing us to question our value. Let me leave you with this nugget of truth: Your value doesn’t change just because someone fails to see it or respond to it. Your value was decided before the formation of the world and solidified on a cross long before you were ever born. You were worthy yesterday, you are worthy today, and you will be just as worthy tomorrow.

As adults, the damage caused by others is for us to work through – healing is 100% our responsibility. If you have hurts, habits, and hang-ups that need the healing hand of Jesus, join the growing group of men and women who are working through Unravel to work their pain, discover who they are, and live life abundantly. Unravel can be purchased on Amazon.

Have you ever felt like you should be doing something for God, but you didn’t know what it was? And the more you thought about it, the more you worried about doing what God wanted you to do, to the point that your overthinking led to feeling stuck. You want to serve God, but you aren’t sure what He wants you to do. You want to be obedient, but you fear making a mistake. You want to live a life of purpose and meaning, but you aren’t sure what that is.

More than anything, you desire a life of meaning, but you are afraid that you will somehow stumble onto the wrong path and end up lost. You want to hear from God, but you second-guess every thought that trots through your mind. If so, we can be friends because I’ve been in this place more than a few times. In fact, I’ve given this condition a name: purpose paralysis. 

Purpose paralysis is Satan’s handiwork.

Confusion is one of the weapons in his arsenal. When we get confused, we overthink, and then we tend to get stuck. And when we are stuck, we tend to do nothing – paralysis. Satan’s favorite Christian is a paralyzed one that doesn’t move because that Christian is ineffective.   

What I’ve come to realize is that this condition has a simple solution – and here it is: MOVE. The Israelites learned this lesson as they were leaving Egypt with Moses. With the Egyptians behind them and the Red Sea in front of them, the Israelites had to decide what they were going to do. God told Moses to high tail it to the Red Sea, raise his staff, and wait for Him to take care of the path ahead of them. Even with all that God had done to free them, the Israelites got stuck in their fear and overthinking. When Moses sees this, he prays to God. Do you remember what God said? He simply said, MOVE. 

Moving is our answer to finding our purpose too.

The purpose of every Christian is to tell people about Jesus and love our neighbor. If nothing else, acting on that purpose is always right. You and I have a more specific purpose that God has hidden away in our hearts, but until that purpose is revealed, you cannot go wrong with finding ways to love your neighbor and sharing the gospel. In fact, those two things may be your only purpose for the season you find yourself in right now. 

As we grow in our faith, our purpose can evolve or change completely and it’s our job to go with God’s flow. Recently, God reminded me that our lives are made up of many seasons (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) and letting go of one season is the only way to usher in the next season and its assignment. This can be scary because old seasons are familiar and new seasons are unknown, but our surrender to Christ depends on our obedience to move when God says to move – even if we don’t know what we are moving into. 

So, how can we serve God in the seasons where our unique purpose isn’t clear, or we are transitioning from one season to the next? The bible tells us that we have a responsibility to care for the poor (Proverbs 21:13), the oppressed (Psalm 82:3-4), the fatherless (Psalm 82:3-4), the orphans (Psalm 82:3-4), widows (James 1:27), and our brothers and sisters in Christ (Galatians 6:10). That leaves a lot of room to serve! 

The size of the service is irrelevant to God, as is (Luke 16:10), the action being seen or acknowledged by another person (Matthew 6:3). Movement is what matters. 

20 Ideas to Live with Purpose and Serve People:

• Take a meal to someone going through a difficult time 
• Get together with 2 or 3 people and do a Bible study together 
• Organize a service project at your church or with other believers 
• Partner with an organization that provides for children
• Serve at a soup kitchen
• Smile at people, hold the door open, be friendly to strangers
• Include the new person at work, school, church, etc. in lunch or something else 
• Organize a Saturday women’s or men’s event centered around spiritual or personal growth 
• Volunteer at a senior center and chat with an elderly person that needs a conversation 
• Work with a homeless shelter to collect necessities 
• Start a blog and write about what’s on your heart to help others
• Get together with a group of men or women and do a book study 
• Be a social media encourager and share Jesus
• Volunteer for nursery duty, kids’ ministry, or the youth ministry at your church
• Hang out with a kid that doesn’t have a dad in his life 
• Bring groceries or gift cards to a family in need 
• Mow the lawn of an elderly neighbor
• If you are handy, volunteer to fix things around the house for a single mom 
• Take someone out for lunch and show genuine interest in their life
• Pray for people

Whatever

Matthew 25:40 reminds us, “And the King will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Whatever is broad and leaves us a lot of room to serve others. So, don’t overthink. You and I can’t mess this up. Be awake and aware throughout the day for opportunities to serve or love on people. 

If you have ideas of ways to serve and love on people, please share them! Leave a comment below, on Facebook, or Instagram. I’d love to hear from you!

P.S. Are you ready to deal with the pain of the past and grow into the disciple God created you to be? Check out my new book Unravel and get started today.

If you have read any of the New Testament, you’ve probably read a book or two written by a guy named Paul to the churches he planted throughout Macedonia. Paul was given the task of sharing the Good News with the Gentiles. As he traveled from town to town, he would preach the gospel, teach the people how God wanted them to live, establish a church there, and appoint people to care for that church. He was a modern-day missionary and church planter. 

Paul would spend as much time as needed in each town or region doing this work and then move on to the next town to do it all over again. The books in the New Testament that Paul is credited with writing are his letters back to those churches. Some of the letters are filled with praise for their efforts and growth, and other letters are filled with reminders of what the people were taught and the kick in the pants to do better.  

The Church Blueprint

The letter that Paul wrote to the Colossians gave them this instruction: “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.” Colossians 3:16. 

Paul wanted the church members to encourage one another, be transparent with one another, practice vulnerability, focus on gratitude, and worship God. Christians were to enjoy each other’s company, laugh together, and grow closer to Jesus. This was the template for the church and that template relies heavily on communication. 

Over the last few months, I’ve been connecting with church leaders to discuss how my book Unravel would benefit their congregations – or I’ve been trying anyway. My efforts to connect with pastors or leaders has given me a behind the scenes look at today’s church and quite frankly, I don’t like what I am seeing. Let’s look at three ways the world has crept into the church. 

Let’s start with basic communication. 

Email accounts that are front and center on church websites inviting people to reach out to them for answers to questions or other information go unanswered. Calls to the main church phone number go to voicemail and messages left don’t get returned. Email sent directly to pastors or staff members never gets a reply. Text messages sent are ignored. And worse, many church websites don’t even give people a way to email or call. 

Communicating with the church you attend or one you have chosen to contact should not be an impossible task. Is it any wonder that some people see churches as insincere? Or see them as a place that puts on a façade of caring? Church websites invite people to reach out if they have questions or problems and when they do, their questions or problems don’t get a response. Friends, this seems to be the norm and while you may not think this is a big deal, I beg to differ with you. 

The Church Matters

The American Association of Christian Counselors has discovered through mounds of research that people suffering with depression, anxiety, marital issues, or trauma would rather go to a local church for help and counsel than go to a psychiatrist, psychologist, or some other professional. 

When the church phone rings and no one picks it up, the person on the other end just got the wrong message about God and His people. When the email inquiries go unanswered, the reputation of the church and what it is supposed to represent gets damaged. Not getting back with people in a timely manner is basic human decency. As representatives of Jesus, returning calls or responding to emails should be a given. 

Whether someone is calling to see what time your services start on Sunday, or they are calling because their spouse just walked out on them and they need to talk, answering the phone or responding to email is the first basic step in being the church. 

Second on the list is pastoral care. 

Busy is the world’s status symbol that has slinked its way into today’s church. Pastors are too busy to meet with people who need some level of counsel or just wish to speak with their pastor. It is understandable that pastors must prepare sermons each week, but they are also called to shepherd their flocks. 

How would a person that walked in off the street be treated if they strolled through the doors of your church on a Tuesday? Would someone be there to greet them? If they asked for help, would the response be to make an appointment? Would this person be given the name of a counselor and sent on their way? Or would a staff member meet with this person and offer them help? 

Busy

Too many pastors are getting sucked into the world’s over-use of the word busy. What is comes down to is this: if a pastor is too busy to care for his flock, then he is disconnected from his flock and his flock is wandering and unprotected. Shepherds care for their flocks, watch out for them, feed them, protect them, and go after them when they get lost. If shepherds are too busy designing the next wool coat, their sheep go astray or get eaten by predators. Busy is the devil’s word and let’s be honest – when we say we are busy, that is code for: this is not a priority for me – whatever “this” is.

Putting on a production at weekend services is not being a pastor – it’s being the star of a show. And speaking of pastors being the stars of their own weekly productions, this is becoming more and more evident on social media. Too many pastors have social media accounts that portray the selfie mindset of look at me instead of look at Jesus.

My number three is quality groups that offer real connection. 

In the 1980’s the hamburger chain Wendy’s had a wildly popular TV commercial with a little old lady holding a competitor’s hamburger and asking, “where’s the beef?” She wasn’t impressed with the skimpy meat on her sandwich, and she had no problem letting the world know of her dissatisfaction. Like the little old lady, my questions to churches would be “where’s the bible study?” and “where’s the opportunity for real connection?” 

There is nothing wrong with offering groups related to hobbies or book studies, but if that is all your church offers, then something is fundamentally wrong. Reading, studying, learning, and knowing God’s Word is the foundation of our Christian walk and spiritual growth. People don’t grow without consistent study of the bible and not offering bible study on a regular basis is bypassing the purpose of the church. 

Related to bible study or in-depth spiritual growth study is the dummying down of content into set time frames because of the perceived attention spans of participants. The church has got to stop following the worlds time standards – meaning, it’s time to teach people that bible study and spiritual growth are on-going, never-ending activities. They don’t fit neatly into six-week, nine-week, twelve-week, or semester boxes. These activities are continuous and should be taught this way. 

If the church doesn’t start pushing back on busy and setting the example of right priorities, souls will be lost.

The Christian life isn’t about checking the church box every week. Paul gave us a blueprint for what defines the church: fellowship, encouragement, bible study, worship, teaching, laughing, sharing life, really knowing people, eating together – doing life together. 

My guess is that Paul would be appalled to receive reports from Timothy or Silas, his trusted proteges, on the inner workings of present-day houses of worship. And if Paul was still writing letters, he’d be putting ink to scroll and sending out some stern rebukes, bold reminders, and a whole lot of tough love. 

Friends, the church’s mission is sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ and bringing hope and healing to the lost and hurt. Healing –people in this world are desperate for healing but the church seems to have taken its eye off what really matters. Church services have turned into “experiences” and entertaining people has become the objective. Groups that only scratch the surface of life are the norm. And connection has been reduced to a once-a-week latte to talk about how busy we are. 

Is it any wonder…

….that depression and anxiety are on the rise or that loneliness is swallowing people whole? Worse yet – God’s children are not prepared for the battles they face every day because they are spiritually starving. We complain that the world is getting darker, and Satan’s grip is getting tighter, but the church is not providing the knowledge of how the enemy works and the tactical knowledge of spiritual warfare. 

Jesus defeated Satan when He died and rose from the grave. The war is over. Jesus won. But until Jesus comes back, mankind is in a spiritual battle. Satan knows he’s lost, but he is determined (meaning: single-minded, unwavering, resolute, untiring) to take as many people as possible with him to the depths of hell for eternity. Are we as Christians equally determined to take as many people as possible with us to heaven for eternity? 

The church as a whole and the people that make up the church can do better – we must do better. Lives depend on us doing better. The church represents Jesus Christ. Church: Pick up your phones. Respond to emails. Be available to help. Focus on bible study. Develop a culture of vulnerability and transparency. And commit yourselves to helping people heal from their pain, emotional wounds, and trauma. Read my post: Why Unravel Should Be In Every Church.

Until next time,

^^Please like and share this post – change happens when the passion of God’s people is ignited.

P.S. Are you ready to deal with the pain of the past and grow into the disciple God created you to be? Check out my new book Unravel and get started today.

P.S.S. The song Start Right Here by Casting Crowns fits in with our discussion.

Christians, are you paying attention?  The upheaval in the world is hard to escape right now. Between news outlets and social media there has been no shortage of words expressed by various sides to everything going on in the world. So many words flying Mach two through the hearts and minds of people throughout the world. Angry words. Harshwords. False words. Mocking words. Desperate words. 

But most of all, words carefully crafted and purposefully used to create dissension, fear, and division. If there was any doubt about the power of the tongue, the proof is playing out before our eyes unlike any time in recent history. 

Lies 

Lies told repeatedly will subtly and slowly become “truth”. Communication courses teach that if you want people to hear your message, you have to say it to them in three different ways. One of those primary ways is hearing. Listening to something on repeat eventually dulls the senses and our minds accept it as truth. What we think about, we tend to become. For example, if you’ve ever struggled with feeling like you are not good enough, that message started as a one-time thought that became a “once-in-a-while” thought that slowly and subtly morphed into a full-blown identity that ended up guiding your thoughts and decisions. 

Proverbs 18:21 says “the tongue has the power of life and death.” Words matter. What we listen to matters. What we choose to think about matters. Words will either breathe life into us or they will slowly destroy us. 

This deception – this depravity – this evil is hiding in plain sight. John 10:10 tells us “The thief (Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy…” John 14:30 tells us that Satan is the ruler over this world. The worldly narrative being spun right now is nothing more than a mission to divide and conquer, create paranoia, and breed hate. It’s republicans vs. democrats; white vs. black; parents vs. school boards; pro-life vs. pro-choice; vaccinated vs. unvaccinated; conservative vs. liberal; believers vs. non-believers – and the list could go on and on. It seems there is someone new to hate, blame, or distrust every week. 

Tolerance

One of the most dangerous lies pushed onto people over the years, is the idea of tolerance. To be tolerant is to be open-minded. In and of itself, this is not a bad thing. Being open-minded is how we continue to learn, grow, and evolve. If we are followers of Jesus Christ, being open-minded to the Holy Spirit’s teaching and prompting is key to our becoming more like Jesus. Where tolerance takes a hard left and leads us away from God is when we are told to tolerate ideologies, lifestyles, and idolatry that runs counter to God’s Word. This is where tolerance goes too far and where we find ourselves today. 

The world is working overtime to water down God’s Word, broaden morality, weaken faith, and confuse and lull believers into submission. The world is talking, and the message of tolerance is being pushed down the throats of every man, woman, and child. Tolerance taken too far is deadly because if we tolerate everything, then nothing is sinful, repentance becomes unneeded, Jesus is unnecessary, and heaven is a given. Until it’s not and then it’s too late.

Worst of all, Christians are playing a part in this destruction. <–Bitter pill? Jesus told us, “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it” (Matthew 7:13-14). 

Our “tolerance” in the form of not speaking truth with love about the sinfulness of this world and the path that people are on is how we play a part in the enemy’s plan to destroy as many people as possible. 

Loving Our Neighbor

We’ve fallen for the rhetoric that says loving our neighbor equates to a “live and let live” mentality. And while judgement isn’t our calling, sharing, and living the truth is. One of the primary ways we love our neighbor is to share the Truth with them. No, we don’t beat them over the head with it. We don’t condemn them. We don’t condescend them. We introduce them to the whole truth of God’s Word. We plant the seed and leave it to God to do the watering. We remain bold in our faith and honest about what the Bible says. 

Truth with grace – one without the other is ineffective and harmful. Separately, vinegar and baking soda each have a purpose, but when they are combined, a chemical reaction occurs that is powerful. The same is true for truth and grace. Separately, each serves a purpose. Together, they cause a powerful reaction that has a profound effect on those within earshot. 

Unfortunately, closet Christianity is becoming the norm. People are afraid to offend anybody and so they say nothing when they know they should say something. The result is a weak and ineffective faith, a lack of purpose and drive, and Christians who are going through the motions. Purposely offensive isn’t the answer, but neither is “not offending” people all the way to the gates of hell. 

God’s Intolerance Saved Us From Ourselves

Thank God Jesus didn’t follow today’s standard of “tolerance” and the act of tiptoeing around sin so-as to not offend us, because if He had, He wouldn’t have gone to the cross and died for our sins. Tolerance would have left us in our depravity and hoped it all worked out or someone else would step up and save us. 

But God loved us so much that He was intolerant of our sin so He sent His one and only Son to die for us so that we would be set free and spend eternity with Him in heaven. Tolerance by the world’s standards is the pathway to hell and will never bring freedom. If it did, Jesus’ act on the cross would have been unnecessary. 

Society has become increasingly aggressive in its campaign for tolerance and bold faith is becoming harder to find. Bold faith stands up for what God says is right and wrong. Bold faith understands that following Christ will cost something. Bold faith speaks up knowing it will be attacked. Bold faith stands on the Word of God for everything. Bold faith says “no” to the world’s tolerance of sin. Bold faith is hard, uncomfortable, and sometimes lonely. But bold faith is also invigorating, life-changing, soul cleansing, and passion fueling. 

As a follower of Christ…

I believe the Bible is God’s Word and absolute truth. (2 Timothy 3:16, John 17:17, Proverbs 30:5)

I believe Jesus Christ is God’s perfect, sinless Son. (John 3:16, Luke 4:41)

I believe that Jesus died for our sins and those who believe in Him are forgiven and have eternal life. (1 Peter 2:24, 6:23)

I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. (Genesis 2:24, 1 Corinthians 7:22)

I believe that sex is an act between a man and woman and is reserved for marriage. (1 Timothy 1:10, Romans 1:26-27)

I believe that abortion is wrong in all circumstances. (Exodus 20:13, Deuteronomy 27:25)

I believe there are two genders: male and female. (Genesis 1:27, Mark 10:6-9)

Would you say your faith is bold? 

My faith hasn’t always been bold. At times, I’ve found myself afraid to write or post something on social media because it might “offend” somebody. 

But as a follower of Christ our purpose is to speak truth with grace, to stand up for morality, to stand firm on and for God’s Word, to not waiver or water down the gospel, and to share the hope and love of Jesus with as many people as possible before we are called home. This is bold faith in action and what it means to love people.  

Let’s mediate on these verses and ask God to help us have a bold faith. 

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted…” 2 Timothy 3:12

So, whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. James 4:17

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. Ephesians 5:11

The lost people of this world need bold faith believers in Christ to lead them to the way, the truth, and the lifebecause no one gets to God without going through Jesus (John 14:16). This assignment has eternal consequences and one that we, as believers, need to take seriously and act with urgency. 

Unravel is available on Kindle & Paperback…

In the previous post “3 Ways Satan Uses Busy to Destroy You” we talked about the damage that living in state of “busy” creates in our lives. Busy is a strategy of the enemy to disconnect, distract, and dismantle. Busy is a battle that we fight daily, but we can’t fight back in battles we don’t know we are fighting or against enemies we can’t recognize. I shared this critical truth with you, as well:

If we don’t understand how Satan

and his band of demons play,

we won’t know when we are being played. 

Melissa Lloyd

Quick recap:

Busy is a carefully constructed strategy created by the Enemy to destroy us in these three ways:

1. Disconnection – when we are busy, we don’t have time for meaningful connection, and we settle for cheap substitutes like social media. 

• Distraction – when we are busy, we become distracted by things that won’t matter next week, next month, or next year. 

• Dismantling – when we are busy, the Enemy takes us apart. Satan’s tag line is this: Stealing, killing, and destroying those that God loves since the beginning of time. The enemy steals our joy, Christ-identity, and peace. He kills our passion and drive to be disciples. And he destroys our relationships, our self-worth, and our ability to see God. 

Worry, stress, pressure, exhaustion, sickness, and depression begin to dismantle us bit-by-bit from the inside out – until one day we can no longer fake fine. Busy negates gratitude because we can’t slow down long enough to see the good. Joy comes when we appreciate the beauty of moments, but Busy has us hurrying through most of our moments. 

Often, busy breeds resentment – we become tired, worn down, emotionally spent, and mentally exhausted – and unknowingly attribute all that to those we said yes to or those who fill our schedules. Busy does not work long-term and the consequences always catch up to us. 

Busy says “in a few minutes” or “I’ll get that done later.” Usually, what we are putting off is more important than what we are doing in that moment to appease the pressure we feel to satisfy Busy. 

Don’t misunderstand, there are things we must get done in life and I’m certainly not advocating for living below our potential, not fulfilling our calling, not living life to the fullest, or being lazy. What I am saying is that if we are running from one event, one deadline, or one appointment to the next, we are going to crash and burn eventually. Busy is not healthy or sustainable. 

What in your life is keeping you from living up to your potential?

What in your life are you busy with that keeps you from prioritizing your purpose? 

What are you busy with that has you living as a smaller version of yourself?

What is taking time away from things you know are more important? 

What is robbing you of rest? Comparison? Envy? Grudges? Worry? World affairs? 

What is keeping you busy and distracted from God’s Word?

Busy is a frighteningly effective strategy of Satan and his evil band of brothers to keep us from everything that God has for us – His healing, His blessings, His peace, His joy, and so much more. 

Busy disables our ability to think clearly, live creatively, enjoy the moment, and make good decisions. If we don’t stop and recognize what we are doing to ourselves, before long, we will become enslaved to our schedules and to things we think we must do. 

Time is the most undervalued commodity in our society, but it should be the one thing we all use with thought and care and fiercely protect. You can buy a lot of things in this life, but you can’t buy even one more second of time. 

So, how do we fight back against the world’s over-evaluation and coveting of busy? 

Here are 3 Ways to Win the “Busy” Battle 

The first strategy to defeat busy is to understand rest. 

The type of rest I am talking about isn’t just getting adequate sleep at night (although that is important). The rest I am referring to is resting in Jesus. 

 “Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis.  Simply join your life with mine. Learn my ways and you’ll discover that I’m gentle, humble, easy to please. You will find refreshment and rest in me. For all that I require of you will be pleasant and easy to bear.” Matthew 11:28-30

Jesus said come.  He didn’t say come after you’ve marked everything off your to-do list.  As it is in this world, busy is normal and rest is abnormal – but we’ve got it backwards and it’s time to get it right. 

Jesus tells us to come to Him so that He can give us His rest (Matthew 11:28) – meaning His peace, His quietness in our souls, His calmness in the storms of life, His joy, His contentment, and His assurance that He’s got us. 

Our hearts, minds, and souls crave the rest that only Jesus can give. 

Rest in the knowledge that God is in control. 2 Chronicles 20:5,6,9

Rest in the promise that God knows what we need and will provide it. Matthew 6:25-34

Rest knowing that God will help us in our times of need. Psalms 118:6-7

Rest knowing that we are loved (Ephesians 1:4), forgiven (Hebrews 10:17), approved of (Ephesians 2:9), seen (Ephesians 1:12), and chosen (Ephesians 1:11). 

The second strategy to defeat busy is deciding what our non-negotiables in life are and committing to making those things happen every day, week, month, or year. 

I don’t know about you, but when I get to the last days of my life, I want to look back knowing that I spent the days that God afforded me well – that I lived with real purpose, that I developed meaningful connections, that I loved my family and friends well, and that I accomplished what God created me for. 

What about you? Would you describe yourself as busy? What are you busy with and is it worthy of you? It’s time that we decide what the non-negotiables are in our lives and prioritize those things and let go of other things. Always remember that whatever you are saying “yes” to, you are saying “no” to something else. 

Yes, to working late, no to family time. 

Yes, to worry, no to peace.

Yes, to volunteering for a family gathering, no to needed rest. 

Yes, to the third hour of news, no to peaceful thoughts.

There is no way around this principle. Every “yes” has a “no.”

So, what are the non-negotiables in your life? 

• A quiet time with God every day?
• Boundaries with work, technology, or how many commitments you will take on?
• Getting enough sleep at night? 
• Daily exercise? 
• Developing and deepening your relationship with Jesus and those you love?
• Slowing down to breathe, feel your feelings, and process emotions? 
• Quality, focused time with your children and/or spouse? 
• Allowing time in your day for a hobby or something you enjoy?
• Spend time working on yourself? Discovering who you are, accepting who God created you to be, giving yourself grace, changing the way you speak to yourself, etc.  

Only you can decide what the non-negotiables are in your life and that you are done with Busy. There really isn’t a prize at the end for whoever was the busiest in this life (I promise). Busy is a dead end. Jesus came to give us an abundant (plentiful, ample) life – not a busy one. Spend your precious and finite time wisely and in a way that leaves you feeling joyful, content, and satisfied. 

The third strategy to defeat busy is taking control of our schedules. 

Now that you have thought about your non-negotiables, it’s time to start prioritizing those things. Running from one thing to the next and jam-packed schedules is not living – it’s existing – and it’s keeping us from living a meaningful, fulfilling, and purposeful life. 

I recommend getting a piece of paper and listing your non-negotiables on one side and the things currently in your schedule on the other side. You have to feed your kids, go to work, etc., but maybe some of your TV time could be used for one of the non-negotiables. 

It seems like a simplistic and unnecessary exercise to make this list, but right now…busy is winning the battle in too many lives. People don’t know how they are spending their time, or they have no margin in their lives to breathe and relax and it’s making them mentally, emotionally, and physically sick. Worse, they feel unfulfilled and empty because they aren’t living their purpose.

Think of it this way…

Mindless use of time is like swiping your debit card continuously without keeping track of what you are spending – eventually you overdraw your account and wonder where all your money went.

Melissa Lloyd

Our lives will go this way too if we don’t start taking control of how we spend our time, allowing for margin in our lives, and incorporating resting in God into every single day. 

I encourage you to pray over how you use and schedule your time. For me, I ask God to remove anything from my life (or day) that isn’t from Him or isn’t something that I need because I only want what He has for me. I also ask Him to give me eyes to see what is important. Lastly, I hand my day over to Him. I trust and know that He will do what is best for me and His best is way better than mine. 

God doesn’t want or need our busy, nor has He has called us to be busy. He wants our trust and because He loves us so much, He wants us to rest in Him (Exodus 33:14). God is a giver – we need to learn to be receivers. 

Nothing you do or don’t do will make Jesus love you more or love you less. You are fully loved. You can slow down – you have nothing to prove.

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People talk about being busy like it’s an honorable and noble achievement. One would think there was an organization called Busy Doers of America where hundreds of millions of people every day were rushing to pay their membership dues, pick up their Busy Doer uniform, and fall into formation before the Busy Doer leader. And the prize to be won? The coveted and time-honored Busy Doer badge. This sought-after and craved emblem is only given to the best of the best Busy Doers. 

To earn this badge a Busy Doer must be willing to submit to the strict standards of:

• over-working 
• over-committing themselves and their children to activities creating an imbalance
• rarely or never resting –feeling guilty when resting ensuring that the rest isn’t restful
• committing to multi-tasking from morning to night  
• constructing an unreasonable and impossible “to-do” list
• submitting to random inappropriate guilt tests
• agreeing to answer all questions regarding their circumstances using the word “busy”
• tying their self-worth to their busy-ness and their ability to cram as much into every single day as inhumanly possible

A Busy Doer can be confident they are on the path to the revered Busy Badge if they are frequently exhausted, over-whelmed, faking fine, irritable, anxious, depressed, physically ill, emotionally numb, mentally worn out, and lonely. 

But every Busy Doer knows that it will be worth it when the sky parts, the angels sing, and heavens light shines on them as their Busy Doer leader hands them their very own Busy Badge. Just thinking of this moment keeps every prospective Busy Doer Busy Badge wanna-be going.  

And when that glorious day arrives and the Busy Doer recipients think they’ve reached the top of the Busy Doer status, every Busy Doer is informed of the secret, next level in Busy Badges – the Master Busy Badge. This badge comes with the gold-star guarantee of validation, confidence, worthiness, and approval – with the microscopic fine print that says the guarantee isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. 

Are you a card-carrying Busy Doer of America member or do you know someone who is? 

Our culture has found a way to define, brand, and market this word into something that we should strive for every single day of our lives. If a person isn’t busy, they are viewed as “missing out”, “less than” or maybe even “lazy”. 

The carefully crafted and covert, subliminal messaging regarding the status of busy has been masterfully executed in such a way that many don’t even realize that they are bowing down to the false idol of busy. (It’s genius when you think about.) As Christ-followers, we want to stay away from idols, and we shudder at the thought of bowing down to anything or anyone except Jesus. But I am afraid that we are deluding ourselves. At some point in our lives, we have all bowed down to Busy. 

Think about these questions…

Have you been too busy to…?

• help or support a friend?
• connect (outside of a text message or social media) with friends or family?
• help at your church?
• spend quality time with your kids?
• look at your child when they are talking to you?
• do a Bible study?
• meet with God regularly? 
• pray for others or yourself?
• rest?

Friends, we can be just as busy in our minds as we can be in our actions and behaviors. 

Have you been busy …?

• being angry with someone that you had no time to consider forgiveness? 
• worrying about a person or situation to pray about it?
• beating yourself up about everything you are not to recognize everything you are? 

Now, I’m not talking about people who are working long hours at work out of necessity or requirement. Nor am I am talking about short seasons of life where we find ourselves busy. What I am talking about is living our lives in such as a way that busy is the goal and down deep there is a feeling of validation and pride that comes from a schedule that is over-filled.

I am talking about Deliberate Busy.

The act of consciously or subconsciously trying to fill a hole within yourself to meet the needs of significance, connection, value, or worthiness. When we forget Whose we are and the ache in our hearts to be valued gets to be too much, sometimes we will search for our value in being praised for the things we do causing us to pile on more and more doing. 

We get busy with…

Politics, the news, and culture keep us busy with fear, hatred, and divisiveness. 

Worrying about things outside of our control keeps us busy. 

Fixing other people and their problems keeps us busy.

People-pleasing, perfectionism, and trying to control everything in our lives keeps us busy. 

Comparison and trying to keep up with those we admire keeps us busy. 

Judging others and gossiping keeps us busy. 

We get busy with the things of this world and lose sight that God is on the throne and always on the job. 

What He does want is cheerful givers…

Our motives for helping or doing can get out of alignment and instead of giving for the sake of giving, we begin giving for the sake of receiving. Busy promises to fill a void but ends up making the void bigger. 

When I am mindlessly working on my Busy Badge, I am not the best version of myself. My creativity takes a nosedive. Compassion and empathy take a backseat allowing grumpy to set the course. I get worn out and overwhelmed which often leads to feeling stuck – in this state of mind, I can’t accomplish my Busy Doers to-do list which only makes me grumpier. Days, weeks, and months on this dysfunctional cycle leave me depleted, exhausted, and miserable. 

If busy is the gold standard, why are we so tired, empty, unfulfilled, and secretly unhappy? 

Here’s my conclusion on busy:

We’ve been duped – Busy isn’t a badge of honor. It’s a lie we’ve believed that our need for significance, worthiness, love, and connection can be met through our doing. 

Busy is a carefully constructed strategy created by the Enemy to destroy us in these three ways:

1. Disconnection – when we are busy, we don’t have time for meaningful connection, and we settle for cheap substitutes like social media. Busy disconnects us from God and those we love until one day we wake up and our souls are dry and those we love have grown up or moved on. 

• Distraction – when we are busy, we become distracted by things that won’t matter next week, next month, or next year. The purpose that God hid away in each of us collects dust because we are busy chasing things that promise to fill our empty spaces but end up leaving even more empty. 

• Dismantling – when we are busy, the Enemy takes us apart. Satan’s tag line is this: Stealing, killing, and destroying those that God loves since the beginning of time. The enemy steals our joy, Christ-identity, and peace. He kills our passion and drive to be disciples. And he destroys our relationships, our self-worth, and our ability to see God. Worry, stress, pressure, exhaustion, sickness, and depression begin to dismantle us bit-by-bit from the inside out – until one day we can no longer fake fine. 

Busy is a part of Satan’s arsenal of weapons and it is imperative that we understand this weapon and recognize when we are fighting this battle. If we don’t understand how Satan and his band of demons play, we won’t know when we are being played. <Read that again because it is so important to your Christian walk and spiritual growth. 

Spiritual warfare is rarely bold, easily recognizable, or coming at you in such a way that you see it from a mile away. The enemy comes at us with things that often seem nonthreatening and promise good things but, in the end, hurt us. There is often an element of truth to the lie and goodness to the destruction. Satan is strategic, methodical, and incredibly patient. 

Our sly and sneaky destruction happens slowly – with you and I making one seemly non-threatening decision at a time – until one day we find ourselves mentally and emotionally worn out and numb – often looking around and wondering how we got there. 

As it pertains to busy, we’ve been believing the LIE that says:

You need to earn validation, approval, worthiness, and connection. But here’s the truth: We don’t need to get busy earning a Busy Badge to gain validation, approval, worthiness, and connection. We already have those things. As a son or daughter of God, we’ve had them since before we entered this world. 

We are running, striving, and working for something that already belongs to us. Can you see Satan’s cunning methodology here? He has convinced us to work ourselves to the point of exhaustion for something we already have! 

You and I were given – given, as in, gifted – with the Son/Daughter of God badge. We are joint heirs of Jesus (Romans 8:17), planned for before the foundations of the earth (Ephesians 1:4), and purchased by the blood of Jesus (Ephesians 1:14). No doing required. 

God loves us so much that our being is all that He requires of us. Busy says we need to earn our worthiness – but God declared us worthy before our souls ever hit the planet and we had the chance to do or earn anything. 

Give some thought to these questions…

What are you “busy” with? 

What has “busy” gotten you? 

When you get to the end of your life, will your “busy” be time well-spent? 

We’ll continue the discussion about Deliberate Busy in the next post. I’ll show you how to fight back against this type of spiritual warfare and how to live the abundant life (John 10:10) that Jesus came to give us.  

Until Next Time,

Unravel is available now available on Kindle or Paperback!